Apple sauce makes internet crumble

Like the mental drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket relentlessly abusing his noobs, the way the internet has been ramming iPhone 7 non-news down your throat is enough to make anyone go all Private Pyle about it.

The collective tech pressgasm over anything vaguely Apple-related has become suffocating for us hacks trying to find a story. Anyone who’s been monitoring the rumoured features and form of the new iPhone will be able to form a mosaic so detailed and vast that the Ancient Greeks would have been proud.

We already know Apple’s going to spew out the standard rhetoric like “the fastest CPU ever”, “twice the screen resolution” and “TWO cameras on the back” etcetera etcetera; the next phone might even be available in an extra colour or two. The PR guys at Apple are either being executed with alarming regularity for their obvious inability to keep a bloody secret, or they’re being given monumental bonuses, high-fives and pumpkin lattes for sending internet tech publications into meltdown 24-7-365.

In all likelihood, tonight’s traditional September event will reveal what we’ve all expected for some while: it will be called the iPhone 7, there will be an iPhone 7+ which is a little bit bigger, and it will have some new characteristics to bring it back on par with Samsung. Oh, and don’t forget Apple’s most devious potential move in recent times: removing the 3.5mm headphone jack. Oh how the internet seethed, and how we shall all seethe, then we’ll all just get over it and realise it doesn’t actually matter that much.

Your correspondent is an Apple user, a dedicated one at that, having what you might refer to as an iHome, but surely there needs to be a line in the sand where every infinitesimally minute increment of rumoured detail doesn’t deserve its own article. The slightly rounder edges on the next model, according to some bloke who works in a Taiwanese factory, is NOT the “leak you’ve been waiting for”.

However, that won’t ever stop the click-baity nature of online press going mental for literally anything to do with the iPhone. This recent headline was surely too far: “iPhone 8: what we know already”. Seriously, WTF?

Nonetheless, we’ll be covering tonight’s launch so we can finally put these rumours to bed, actually present you with some real news about the iPhone 7 and everyone can move on with their lives.

Incidentally, Apple did accidentally drop the mic a little prematurely, as one eagle-eyed user of the Apple Store website in Hong Kong spotted (courtesy of Reddit user Jaspergreenham).

(N.B. in spite of all this, your correspondent is still blatantly going to get one. Have you seen the dark blue one?! OMG.)