Black Friday MADNESS - 30% off the cost of this free article!

For one day only this Black Friday, Telecoms.com is offering crazy, ridiculous, cut-me-own-throat discounts off the cost of ALL free articles!

Here in the UK we’ve culturally misappropriated an American tradition to exploit our audience and serve our marketing agenda, and we’re passing the savings on to YOUUUUUUUU dear reader!

For why should you trample over your fellow man, commit GBH, start nicking sh*t from ASDA or participate in what can only be described as a bizarrely legal pillage? Instead, you can sit back in your comfortable chair, with your reassuring arse-print, cup of tea on the go, and have literally every company in the world spam mail you with opportunistic pissant deals.

“But it helps save a tonne of money on Christmas presents!” you might say to yourself.

Who cares?!

It’s not Christmas if you don’t leave literally everything until Christmas eve then wage war upon your local shopping centre, combatting families and rudeboys like a gladiatorial champion. It’s not Christmas until you’ve ripped the last available Peppa Pig toy out of the hands of a crying infant in the middle of Toys Я Us.

The origin of Black Friday as a shopping term goes back to the 1960s when it was supposedly used as a descriptive term for the sight of pedestrians and traffic clogging the streets of Philadelphia the day after Thanksgiving. It then became popularised as the point in the year when retailers moved out of the red and in to the black.

As you can see from this honest-to-God screen shot, there’s approximately one metric tonne of commercial e-mails in your correspondent’s inbox this morning, with no retailer wanting to miss out on the opportunity. The extent of apparent savings, however, varied considerably.

Variations include “30% off LITERALLY EVERYTHING AHMAGAD!” to the more thinly-veiled “Spend £1,500 and get a gift voucher for £120” … we’re not naming names… Apple.

To be fair to Vodafone though, they’ve actually sent out a decent offer, which further adds fuel to the Apple rip-off bonanza (said this iPhone user). Vodafone is offering a crazy deal where you can get the latest Samsung Galaxy S7 on a pay monthly contract, for less than the cost of an Apple iPhone 5S. WTF?

(Oh, by the way, we’re not paid by Vodafone to say that. So if you end up taking advantage of that deal, we don’t get any cash. You’re welcome for the heads up.)

Generally, though, Black Friday has been marketed like this genius skit from Family Guy. As one PR person wrote to Telecoms.com this morning: “Happy Black Friday!”

*vomits*